My Story
Death / Anger / Hatred / Acceptance / Purpose It all started with a nightmare that came true. At 9 my mother died from medical malpractice where I got to see this lively loving woman turn into a vegetable. I can still see her arms and toes hyper flexed into themselves and hear the breathing tube in her throat. I remember watching all the adults around me staying so strong and so I mocked my environment even though on the inside I was in complete shock and confusion. When she died, I became bitter, and hateful. I hated life I hated God, and I hated people, and I most of all I hated myself. All of the "sorry"s just became meaningless words that people just said because they didn’t understand. And my feelings became too big for me, and for those around me. When I tried to express that I hated life, my peers and my teachers immediately let me know that talking that was an invitation to being labeled “dangerous, and crazy”. So, I suffered in silence and I stayed obedient to what I knew I had to do which was “grow up”, handle my shit, and make sure I never spoke of it again. While my grades were fine and I was able to adapt to my environment and manage to be a “normal” person, behind closed doors by 10 I was writing suicide notes in my journal, by 14 I was self-mutilating. All of this time I was bullying myself and sometimes those around me. I would sneak cough syrup, and would plan my days to binge and purge. The anger of losing my mother needed a target and I was the endless and perfect victim. I became addicted to putting a mask on that looked like I had it all figured out and that I was going places, and then going home and privately self-destructing. It made me feel alive. It just made me feel anything outside of completely numb. By the time I was 21, with the help of an antidepressant, I was completely suicidal. My emotions were uncontrollable. I was crying nonstop, while driving, in class, at work. My brain kept looking for spots to drive off to die. And by 23, I was having multiple bouts of psychosis regularly, where I would have full on visions of killing myself. The only thing that kept me grounded was my daughter who was born almost 13 years to the day of my mother's passing. While I had completely lost myself to grief, to the anger, there was a whisper inside that kept saying, you can’t do that to her. You have to live. You have to survive this. And so, I started practicing inversions and doing yoga, I had 1 experience with LSD that gave me this crazy visualization of how precious life could be followed by 8 hours of crying. I started meditating, reading books, educating myself on life and spirituality, energy, and healing. I got into crystals, herbs, and reiki which led me into Massage Therapy and Yoga Teacher Training which led me to Shamanism. Most of all within each day of this 5-year unravelling, I got into “God”, The Universe, something that was bigger than me, than all of us that was looking out and loving me even when I didn’t want it to. And within that I hadn’t had a single suicidal thought. I had 0 desire to self-mutilate or self-harm. My battle with self-loathing was exchanged for self-doubt, which I’ll take because if 5 years can transform violent hatred into moments of doubt… I can’t even imagine what doubt will transform into. My goal as a Shaman is not to show you that healing it possible, it’s to walk alongside you as you show it to yourself. I’m only a supporting guide in your Hero’s Journey. My advice? Don’t wait. Don’t wait like I did to deal with the pain and the anger that comes with loss and life. Don’t wait until it eats you alive and before you know it, you're daydreaming about dying. Don’t until you lose sight of the gift and the really good parts about life. Don’t wait until. Choose to be vulnerable. Choose to seek out that love. CHOOSE TO HEAL Originally, my daughter was my anchor. Now? My vision. My Purpose. My Mother. My Daughter. My clients. Mother Earth. THE PURE understanding that it is an opportunity and a gift to LIVE is my anchor. Don’t wait. It’s okay to be angry, and it’s okay to let the anger go so that you can really see what’s happening within; pain. Loving you, Alesha
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AuthorA mother. A Shaman. A Life Coach. My passion is to inspire the healing energy inside of you to grow and thrive. May you know that you are loved. Archives
October 2023
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